Category: Uncategorized

The Smell of Incredibleness

systlin:

apathetic-revenant:

systlin:

apathetic-revenant:

systlin:

eisenvulcanstein:

systlin:

thegreenpea:

systlin:

thegreenpea:

systlin:

younggayanddoingokay:

systlin:

yukkikatsuki:

systlin:

systlin:

My Nemesis (Nemesises? Nemise?), for those curious;

1. Awful Grandma. A racist, homophobic bitch who brought my mother and aunt and uncles into this world, which was perhaps the only thing I will ever thank her for. Has been all around so awful that the greatest motivation in all four of their lives is to never be like their mother. Rather an inspiring story in how four adult children can, through sheer power of spite, say “You know what, I’m going to be a decent fucking person and NOT emotionally abuse my children.” A diagnosed narcissist who has consistently refused to do any introspection or consider therapy for, oh, 70 years now. 

2. Mitch, a co worker. An evil spirited troll of a man who fully embodies the “Fuck everyone else, I got mine” mentality. Actively hates the idea of his tax dollars being used to feed children that aren’t his. Dislikes me because I dial up the democratic socialist about 350% whenever he starts his bullshit, and have, more than once, told him “Wow that’s a terrible thing to say.” Also dislikes me because I am way more competent at our job than he is, and I’ve been promoted more quickly than him even though he’s been there far longer. Am like 95% sure that he’s the one eating the crackers out of my snack cabinet but I can’t prove it. Have considered putting a mousetrap in the cracker box. 

3. Tom, the neighbor who cut down the choke cherry on the border of our property even after he ASKED me if we wanted it left up and we said yes, because it shades our back window. Also has complained that my rose hedge is too tall and he can’t see over it. Why the fuck do you need to see over it, I ask? Fuck you, Tom. Planted the Spite Cherry and Spite Peach to piss him off, which is going wonderfully. He hates my bees too, and hates the fact that I registered them with the county so he can’t spray near my property. Eat shit, Tom. 

Incidentally, my witchcraft supplies are all kept in the cabinet I got once we moved Grandma into assisted living, which would send her into an absolute screaming rage if she knew. This is of course exactly why I use it for that. 

Please tell me more of the spite cherry and peach

SO ANYWAY, our neighbor on that side used to be May, a lovely lady who was an absolute sweetheart. But, sadly, she WAS 91, and passed away from a heart attack after a good long full life. 

Her son, Tom, decided to remodel the house (he’s a contractor). Part of this involved tearing out all of his mother’s lovingly tended gardens and cutting down all her shrubs and trees. (I snuck over in the middle of the night before the chainsaws and backhoe showed up, and stole rescued a bunch of her plants.) 

One of those trees was a native chokecherry growing RIGHT on the property line. It shaded our big back windows, which we liked, and birds loved the fruit. As I was puttering around the yard one day, Tom came over and asked if we wanted it left there. I said yes, for the aforementioned reasons. 

He said “OK”, and then cut it down anyway. This slightly annoyed me. I asked him about it, and he said, quote, “Well, it’s pretty messy and drops fruit all over the grass. Oh, and could you trim your hedge down? I can’t see over it.”

(I did not trim the hedge down, for the record. Fuck u, Tom.)

Because I am a creature highly motivated by spite, I knew immediately what I had to do. I went on the Jung’s website, and ordered a peach tree and a cherry tree. As soon as they arrived, I planted them securely on our side of the property line. 

He noticed them, and asked about them. I happily told them what they were, as I was putting up a ‘no spray, sensitive crops/apiary’ sign I’d ordered from the county. Because I KNOW if someone’s fussing about fruit in the grass, they’ve probably got a stash of Roundup and pesticide, and I was damn sure gonna nip that in the bud. 

He frowned. “Oh, well. Those’ll probably drop fruit, won’t they.”

“You’re welcome to pick some if you like!” I answer cheerfully. “I just love fresh peaches and cherries, don’t you?”

He keeps shooting them dirty looks now. The cherry is big enough this year to give fruit for the first time. It’s delicious. 

PLEEEEEASE put a mousetrap in the cracker box and tell us how it goes @systlin

What I may ACTUALLY do, given that I am very fond of spicy things and he is not, is spice ‘em liberally with ghost pepper.

I’ll find it tasty. He’ll know only pain. Win win.

@systlin excuse my pun but I think Tom could be a peeping tom be cause he wants to see into your house?

It’s more ‘he’s the sort of nosy asshole who will scrutinize your yard and complain if you are 1 day late (by his definition of ‘late’) mowing the grass. He has also complained about how I don’t rake the leaves up and have dandelions in my lawn.

He is 100% the type of person who would be on the board of an HOA and report people constantly.

UNFORTUNATELY for HIM, we live in the country. There are 0 regulations. I could let the whole yard grow into a jungle and there ain’t shit-all he could do about it. I could set a car on fire on my lawn and so long as I wasn’t burning the tires or committing insurance fraud, and there would be fuckall he can do about it. *

He’s USED to living in the city (though, I mean, by ‘city’ I mean ‘a town with 25,000 living there’) where he can complain to the city and have people fined/have the city mow/weed/spray their lawns to his satisfaction and bill them for it.

But he’s on MY turf now. Out here, there are more cows than people. Out here, there are no rules. If you call the city and tell them grass is getting long out here, they will laugh, say “Not our problem,” and hang up. If you call the county, they’ll say “Yeah, that happens, not our problem” and hang up.

So. While I would be perfectly willing to ignore him, he has chosen to be a pain in my arse, with no idea that he has no legal recourse whatsoever out here, that indeed the law is stacked in my favor in this situation, and that I am a creature highly motivated by spite.

* I use this example not because it is a ridiculous thing, but because one of our neighbors** actually did this. He took the tires off of his car, drained all the fluids, and set that bitch on fire in the middle of his lawn. The fire department showed up, and he waved them off. He wasn’t claiming it for insurance. He wasn’t burning things that you are not supposed to. He did not owe any money on it. He just, apparently, hated that car and wanted to watch it die. Which is entirely legal. The fire department hung around, chatted for a bit, and then left as the car burned down.

I believe he did take a cutting torch to it after and sell it for scrap.

**By rural definition of ‘neighbors’. Meaning “Lives within 5 miles of me”

Jesus Christ your neighbourhood sounds fun

Well. By ‘neighborhood’ I mean ‘the eight houses around an intersection and the surrounding farms’.

But, true.

There’s one farm over the hill in the hollow where the farmer’s grown a bumper crop of weed every year since I was little back in his woodlot. Everyone knows, but no one ever reports him, because he’s just smoking it himself for his bad back, so no one cares.

My uncle E ran a still in his back 40 for like, six decades.

There used to be a dude everyone avoided because he was known as ‘sheep-fucker’. I’ll let you guess why. He’s dead now.

Did he die by mob of angry sheep?

Heart attack, I believe. The Incident involved jail time, so it’s not like it was just some rumor that was started. There was evidence, a trial, and a conviction.

stories like this always make me question my own life because I live out in the country and I don’t know anything about anyone who lives around here, and I always figured this was because we lived so far apart from everyone but now I’m having to confront the possibility that maybe it’s actually just me.

What you’ve gotta do is find the one gossip in the area, and then befriend them. They’ll fill you in on everything, and you can fact-check later on people’s facebook profiles.

It also helps to be related to half the people in the county, and then get all your gossip concentrated into 2 family reunions per year.

ah, that might be the problem. we’re not related to anyone. there’s a whole complicated web of familial relationships going on in this county and meanwhile we’re just kind of…over here. plus we don’t go to church, so that probably doesn’t help.

still, I should probably at least know the names of the people who live half a mile up the road. they’ve been there for two years. they seem nice. the little girls like to wave at me. one time the dad gave me a bag of vegetables to take home. I know nothing about them and it’s far too late to start asking.

I don’t either, but The Gossip does, and fills me in on the complicated politics and feuds as I nod enthusiastically and feed them cookies.

Posted on by juliafusina